As inconsistent as I am, I’ll probably write this fuck off Friday blog and never write another. [UPDATE: In fact I wrote this Friday and didn’t publish it until Tuesday]. Then again, many of my blogs are like fuck off Friday blogs. General bitching.
Today’s topic: Netiquette. Ok, I recently changed my email address because I’m tired of using GMAIL’s domain when I could have my own for $12/year. I gave this new email address out to a select group of individuals. Not even all of my family or in-laws are allowed to have my email address.
Why? Well I’m glad you asked. Because I’m so sick of these fucking retarded, downright ridiculous ass emails filling my inbox. To make matters worse living in 2009 means all my emails also come to my phone.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t give a shit about foot prints in the sand. Every old lady has the picture framed in her bathroom and I look at it every time I take a piss. Thank you but no thank. I could probably recite the poem verbatim from memory I’ve seen it so many times.
I don’t give a shit about the email you sent warning me about crack heads putting HIV infected needles in payphone change return slots. First off, the only people who use payphones are crack heads since it would be hard to keep a cell phone without selling that and a blowjob just to get your next fix so why would I give a shit? Secondly, a crack head is far more concerned with tracking down rocks than trying to figure out how to insert a needle into a payphone return slot while they’re incessantly scratching themselves with jittery hands. That would take one hell of a talented crack head.
I don’t care about the the kid whose sister burned up in Wal-Mart and now you have to forward the email to everyone you know so Wal-Mart can track it and send money to the victims. Really? You fell for that? Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me? As an Information Technology professional and realist. Let me let you in on something. Wal-Mart doesn’t give a fuck about some non-existent kid that burned up in some non-existent Wal-Mart fire. We also know they don’t give a shit about women, health-insurance, the retarded senior working the front door with the stickers, or paying people for over-time without lawsuits. If some kid did burn up in a Wal-Mart fire, best believe they wouldn’t need to forward an email to get their bills paid. Walt would have been sued for millions of dollars. Secondly, when have you heard on CNN something so ridiculous as, “be sure to forward that email to help the victims of the fire”. Although there is technology that can track an email, no business in their right mind would risk the many possible methods for circumventing and forging emails to make it look like it was forwarded to 2 billion people by promising to pay $2 per forward. Hmmm, did it ever occur to you that people set up foundations and ask for donations?
If people would treat the Internet with the same common sense they treat the real off-line world with we wouldn’t have scam artists in Nigeria ripping them off.
Somehow you thought some prince in Nigeria or better yet, some foreign lottery you never played was going to transfer you $1.2 million US dollars and all you had to do was deposit his check only after sending him $1,000 to release it from some bullshit escrow account. You’re an idiot.
Don’t get me wrong. Maybe those inspirational, quote of the day, joke of the day, lottery winning, friends are forever, 101 ways to be annoying, god is eternal, good luck totem, you are blessed, be grateful, Jesus in your ear, Tommy Hilifiger petition, Taco Bell roach egg, rat urine forward me 100 times emails really get your day going. But for me, I have much more important things to do than being disturbed at 2 in the morning by a new email message being copied to my phone by some asinine email.
To make matters worse, these fucking Internet cockbags don’t even have the common fucking sense to put all the email addresses in the BCC field. So now every other fucking idiot they forwarded the email to now has a list of additional email addresses for which they can their bullshit spam to. So please, next time you think about hitting that send button and forwarding that fuckin’ retarded ass, I can’t even find the words to describe how annoying…email just don’t.