Tiger, get off my fuckin’ televison!

I don’t know about you but boy am I tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and his infidelity.  I know I know, then why am I writing about it right?  Well the guy is getting more coverage on CNN than Iraq, Afghanistan, and health care reform all together.  So how can I not add my crass two cents.

First off Tiger, what kind of pussy-ass voicemail was that?  You don’t ask your mistress to delete your phone number.  You tell that bitch.  She’s the mistress, you don’t owe her an explanation, she knows her role.  She knew you were married, she knew you weren’t leaving your wife.  She was there for you to deposit your “kids”.  The mistress has low self-esteem.  Why else would she be fucking an involved man.  She’s used to being put in her place, she’s used to men walking on her.  So the only conversation should have been:

“Hey, don’t call me, shit is hot”.

That would have at least left you open for all sorts of excuses.  Now you’re fucked.  When I first heard the voicemail on a radio program on my way to work, I thought it was a spoof.  I was thinking this can’t be real.  You can’t actually be sounding that pussy.  Sure you look like a pussy but your name is Tiger!  Unleash that Tiger dude.  On second thought, unleashing the Tiger is what got you in this mess. 

One thing I cannot stand is a forced apology.  I’d rather someone not apologize than apologize because they feel obligated.  When politicians and stars have slip-ups, be it sexual, or a comment they made in public, don’t apologize for it.  Roll with it.  A fake apology is like a double fuck you in my book.  Remember when Fuzzy Zoeller speaking to reporters at a golf tournament referred to Tiger Woods as "that little boy" and urged him not to order fried chicken or collard greens for the Champions Dinner. Then went on to apologize stating his comments “were not intended to be racially derogatory”.  This is a great example of someone who should have just ran with it.  Why apologize?  African-Americans didn’t buy your apology, nor did we believe that your comment wasn’t racially motivated.  Zoeller’s apology only lost him cool points with the Klan.  So Tiger, don’t apologize, you only look more guilty.  Not to mention Tiger shouldn’t be apologizing to the public, in fact it’s none of our damn business.  I’m tired of hearing about it.  Tiger cheated, he got his ass whopped by his wife and wrecked his SUV.  It should have ended with that.  We don’t need blow-by-blow, “breaking news”, “exclusive coverage”, “this just in”, “live coverage”,  and “exclusive interviews with neighbors”.  Does the news paper really need to publish the full transcript of Tiger’s apology?  Do we really need to have a panel dissect each and every word to determine if Tiger’s apology is authentic?  WE DO NOT GIVE A FUCK! 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t condone cheating, but I didn’t give a shit about Tiger or golf before, so why would I care about his personal life now.  Is it necessary to interrupt my regularly scheduled programming to hear a staged apology?  I mean really.  Puffy eyes, mom in the front row?  He hugged his mother like he was a 7 year old who just got caught beating his dick in school.  I mean really, this press conference was almost as bad as Chris Brown on Larry King live.  My man had on a blue sweater and bow tie as he sat next to his sobbing mother while he apologized to the world for beating the snot out of Rhianna.  This is what I mean by staged apology.  Maybe they really did mean their apology, but do it a normal average citizen sort of way.  Apologize, don’t wear a blue sweater and bow tie apologizing with your mother next to you.  That’s such a pussy-ass move and it really only serves to makes you look pathetic and fake.  Chris Brown would have got more respect if he said, that bitch had it coming, but I shouldn’t have resorted to physical abuse.  Tiger would have got more respect if he said, she wasn’t giving up the ass knowing I’m a millionaire, knowing I can buy the best piece of ass money can buy.  So fuck her.  She had it coming.  But I regret being caught and having my ass whopped with a golf club as well as being humiliated on national television. 

Concerned University students have taken issue with roommates having sex in dorm. New “anti-sexiling” policy in effect.

What a bunch of whiney cunts.  Of course we all know who these “concerned students” are don’t we?  Yep.  Those are the cock-blocking whistle blowers who’s pants are a little too high, glasses a little too thick, and breath a little too rank to really want to converse with.  Unfortunately you got stuck sharing a dorm room with them, and apparently the panting going on in your half of the dorm room is affecting your roommates Harry Potter marathon.

Ok, here’s the issue.  Tufts University’s 2009-2010 student handbook has implemented a new policy that prohibits students from engaging in sexual activities while a roommate is present.  In addition, roommates are also prohibited from “sexiling” (much like exiling) a roommate for the purposes of engaging in a little skin slapping action.  More specifically "You may not engage in sexual activity while your roommate is present in the room.  And sexual activity within your assigned room should not ever deprive your roommate(s) of privacy, study, or sleep time.” 

No wonder I only went to college 6 months. My idea of a college dorm would mean not only will I be fucking in my dorm room on  a regular basis regardless of who’s present, hell I might even turn that mutha into a train.  My roommate and I could run an Amtrak  for all I care.  In fact I’d be telling my roommate to invite his fuck of the week and we' could play a game of musical chairs, freak edition.  Isn’t that the only reasons people go to college?  Oh yeah that and the parties. 

Callie Morton, a freshman at Tufts, told CNN affiliate WHDH-TV, "If someone is going to go and have sex while their roommate is in the room, I mean I think that's kind of gross. I think it's kind of funny that they would have to make a rule about it."  Aw come on!  Are you kidding me.  Did she say “gross”?  How old are we?  I’ll guarantee you that bitch is the one who anonymously suggested the rule.  I can see right through her bullshit act.

Oh my how times have changed.  Damn those Republican Conservatives.  They’ve even managed to infiltrate the dorm rooms of America!  You can’t even bust a stressed-filled final exams nut to help you concentrate without first checking in with your cock-blockin’, eagle scout, roommate.  Whatever happened to the sock or rag on the door handle trick?  Whatever happened to saying “hey, tonight this BAD chic from the party last night is coming over, chances are I’m going to be bangin’ her back out…so call me before you head home if I don’t answer, you know what’s up.”  Now we have to get school officials involved.  It’s a say day America.  I think a demonstration is called for.  Horny college students, I urge you to have a sit-in fuck-in at your RA’s room.